as i sat in the airport in calgary, waiting to leave on december 26, 2022, i played genshin… that’s pretty classic. on the plane i slept fitfully; my right side aches chronically if i sit for too long. then we reunited in heathrow after a small mess of finding each other. i’m quite sure i won airport tag, so don’t contest it. (i know you won.) our first ride on the tube was a wonderfully fun experience, and after even more shenanigans we finally managed to get to our vrbo. since we called that place home for a week and a half, i grew very attached to it over the course of the trip. I loved the walk from the front door of meriden court to the front door of our flat, i loved the huge wide window that we could literally climb out of (they don’t make windows like that here), i loved the fancy modern bathroom with the heated floors… eh, maybe that’s it. HAHA. i loved the location, but the interior decor left something to be desired. i don’t wish for us to ever have to live somewhere THAT small, but if we did then we would definitely decorate it in a much cuter way. still, it was lovely because you were there with me and we were having so much fun every day.
we went to an amusement park together (amusement park date: anime classic) and rode on a ferris wheel. it would have been better if there hadn’t been three other random people in there with us, but i’ll take what i can get. then, we held hands (on a ride… and you didn’t mean anything behind the gesture… but i will take. what. i. can. get). then we went home and opened each other’s christmas gifts. i’ve cherished all my gifts, so much. i even kept the box, as you might have noticed this past february, to put my teas in. everything you give me is my treasure, and i’m like a dragon guarding her hoard until the very end. i’ve received so many compliments on the photos i’ve taken with my holga, and people acting disbelieving because the photos seemed too “good” to come from such a notoriously bad model. i believe the camera works so well for me because you gave it to me, truly. it’s nothing about the photographer, and everything to do with the cherished person who so lovingly picked out the camera for her.
how many dates did we go on in london? too many to count, i would say. didn’t we even call a few of them dates, back then? and we still remained oblivious? that’s so cute slash tragic… we went to chez antoinette for the simplest yet cutest little breakfast, and then we went to the opera to watch the magic flute performance of a lifetime. your dress was so beautiful, though not as radiant as your new silver hair (and nothing is more radiant than your smiles, as i have the privilege of knowing). though we almost fell asleep standing up at the opera, we had a lovely time. covent garden was our next date, where we also stumbled into neal’s yard at my pleading. the lighting in that courtyard was so whimsical; you looked stunning beneath the oranges and pinks.
honestly, it was as though each day was a long consecutive series of dates, each ending in us staring at each other in bed… a foot of space separating our bodies. i desperately wanted to bridge that gap. i wanted to ask you to hug me, or to hold my hand. i wanted to stare up at the dark ceiling and tell you i was in love with you. it distracted me; it plagued me. but, as i once wrote in my diary, i was battling this constant dilemma of “would i rather keep it to myself and have things stay the same while suffering, or confess everything and destroy our friendship through my unrequited and unwanted feelings?” it would have been exceedingly awkward to ruin the london trip… so while my worries did turn out to be in vain, there’s no way i could have risked anything. i contented myself by staring at you, illuminated by the light coming in through the wide window, and asking you questions to learn more about you.
we went to st paul’s cathedral and underwent the TRIAL OF STAIRS together, to my immense enjoyment. it’s a taste of all the beautiful cathedrals we’ll see in mainland europe next year! oh, how i look forward. we tried wagamama (and went back for seconds later that week), bonding over some delicious prawn kushiyaki and salmon gyoza. we met squirrels at st dunstan in the east, a perfect time capsule of a ruined church in the middle of the unassuming modern city. we toured old bookstores and bonded even more over ruslit, as we are prone to do. we saw the beautiful lanterns of chinatown. we had the delicious noodles at zheng, paired with some not-so delicious customer service. then we researched the disrespect we had been dealt when we got home… did we watch chainsaw man this night, or was it a different evening? we certainly did SOMETHING worth our while, right? well, that much is certain, since we were together. my dear, i love being together with you. i will never stop loving it.
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enough said...
us!
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the british museum… we did a pretty good sweep, and the postcards at the end were very lovely. the national gallery was absolutely beautiful (one of my favourite places we went)... the perfect place for a museum date. i’m so pleased that we saw the sunflowers painting; it was truly a moment of pure pop cultural togetherness. JUST STOP OIL! ah, this was the night of our dalloway terrace mishap. i still feel embarrassed thinking of it, but you handled it with so much grace that i felt like crying. your confidence instills courage in my own self, and your reliability encourages me to forge onwards. i love you for this. after a cursed romp through primark, we had a perfect date in circolo popolare… that was some of the best pasta i’ve ever had in my life, truly. i’m so glad i could share that experience with you.
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this is one of my favourite photos we've ever taken. i don't think many people would even understand it?? like i get a lot of blank stares if i ever bring it up? but it's so iconic to me...
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on new year’s eve we went to the wallace collection, and it was very rainy outside. it was a silly day. i especially remember the moment when we walked down that alley of blue christmas lights and laughed about fire emblem level-up voice lines and sound effects… it’s such a vivid memory. we had dinner at rokka, which was an apprehensive venture but turned out pleasantly solid. we then retreated home for a wonderfully intimate new year’s celebration of our own: watching shrek 3, eating horribly delicious charcuterie (if you can call it that), and counting down the minutes until we could greet the new year together. the experience of being able to watch your face during the end of the year and the beginning of the new was all i’ve ever wanted, and something i want to have for the rest of my life if possible. did we hug? in my memories we did but perhaps i’m insane. i hope we did. i miss you.
i modeled for you the next day, and i heard from the grapevine that you were distracted by me at times while pinning the dresses? isn’t that fascinating… i would be lying if i said i wasn’t pleased, immensely so. i think the act of revealing so much of my body was quite outside of my comfort zone but i’m glad i was able to push myself for your sake and i truly hope you were pleased with the results of the shoot. i am sorry that the cold irritated me a bit (hangs head). i truly had fun, though, and i’m still beyond honoured that you wanted ME of all people to model your clothes. it’s set the bar rather high, i’m afraid… i’ll be terribly jealous if you use other models in the future. i’ll have no choice but to imagine your hands on their bodies and i’ll grow red from consternation, because I WAS HERE FIRST!
we went skating that evening, and i wish i realized that you wanted to hold my hand. grab it, next time! i was too focused on not falling on my face in front of my crush/future girlfriend. the next morning was our date at buckingham palace… disappointingly small, but the memorial statue in front was quite beautiful. i loved being there with you, and your presence made the awful crowds a little less panic-inducing. next was our date at the cafe in westminster abbey, which we totally didn’t sneak into, and i loved this simple tea time so unbelievably much. the little gingerbread men were such a sweet touch. that reminds me, i’m flattered you liked (or pretended to like) the gingerbread i made for you. i still plan on making you carrot cake this summer, but please don’t feel pressured to like it. anyways, after we didn’t sneak into the abbey, we saw a wide variety of london staples and monuments on our way to the tate britain. this walk was one of my favourites, and i really loved the part at the buxton memorial when we could see the london eye across the thames, all shaded by an overhanging tree. i imagine this scene would have been even more beautiful in summer, which means we must return (and you being there made it a thousandfold more beautiful to look at. i do a little staring). after the tate britain and the barbican (which was extremely difficult to get to; do you remember that transit fiasco? i’m still sorry about that), we struggled to find a fish and chips establishment near borough market but ultimately settled on fish! which was an excellent choice. my god, that was some good fish!
we woke up late the next day and decided that an adequate lunch awaited at l’eto, where we ordered pretty drinks and cakes and listened to the hot gossip of two people who were possibly having an affair. they did seem a little close for two individuals who were most certainly not dating, didn’t we agree? at any rate, you looked very beautiful that day, as always. we had great fun at the tiger place (i truly forget if it’s called paper tiger or flying tiger and i don’t know what’s wrong with me), then ran out of stamina and had to recharge by having a long talk back at home before setting out again. we went to choosing keeping, where your passion for the wares had me dazzled, then forbidden planet… yes, i also wanted the yuri couples to be us. i tried to also communicate this to you telepathically, but perhaps we both intercepted each other’s thoughts and simply mistook them for our own. or perhaps the male stench of the basement scrambled our radio waves too much… it’s hard to say. either way, i collected the names of a great number of yuri manga and you somehow still did not pick up on anything. silly. we even watched kase-san that night, and the entire time i was collecting knowledge into my brain… it appeared that you were just wondering why the episode felt so long. sorry.
kew gardens was next, and the neighbourhood surrounding the park was so lovely and peaceful that i haven’t been able to purge it from my mind since. i want nothing more in life than to one day live there with you, or in a similar neighbourhood. really, i will live anywhere with you (i just need you), but richmond would be an absolute dream. kew was so lovely, though i didn’t recognize any plants and therefore had zero chances to rizz you up with my gardener’s knowledge. the pagoda was so stunning, and the japanese garden was quaint (though the small hurricane we faced definitely impeded the view somewhat, making the garden uninhabitable). macarong date… one of my favourites. the workers were so kind, the atmosphere was so lovely, the food was delicious, i was in the company of such a wonderful and breathtaking girl whom i love… there was nothing better on earth at that moment. as i bought macarons for us at the end, i imagined a world in which i regularly buy macarons for you after work, in which i surprise you with desserts when you come home each day. the thought of this future makes me smile, and the knowledge that this future will one day come to pass is a reason i can face each day with such joy and gratefulness. i love my girlfriend and i love that we love desserts. i loved cafe macarong and i love our dates, even before they were dates. can we alter the timeline and erase certain details, so that we may consider them proper dates? can we go to london again, this time as girlfriends, so that i might hold your hand the entire time and let everyone know that this beautiful soul is my girlfriend and nobody else may touch us?
we went to five guys that night, and though it was an impromptu choice due to the disastrous results of waitrose shutting down forever (like what the fuck?), it turned out to be one of the most relaxing and fun dinners we’ve ever had. nozomi enjoyed it too, as our daughter who does not get to be taken out of the house much. unfortunately, she could not come to peggy porschen, where we had some delectable pain au chocolats (we do not have those here and it makes me so sad), and some rose apple tea that smelled lovely. you know something that’s unfair? my girlfriend looks cute even under the 0.5 camera treatment, while i look like an alien. it’s unjust and i think i’ll be taking you to small claims court over this issue. prepare yourself. we took the tube to notting hill and portobello road market, which was so incredibly fun. girls love trinkets… girls love shopping, and trinkets, and spending time with their future girlfriend! our newer matching rings are so cute, do you still wear yours? after we saw all of the market and mailed your postcard, we headed to the zoology museum so that i could be an absolutely filthy neek for half an hour or so. i wish i knew more about invertebrates before we went, but alas. i hope i was able to rizz you at least a little bit with my asa-like level of knowledge about animal bones.
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i love that we leave our mark wherever we go. i swear, one of these days, a stranger will follow us.
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oh, the best parts of this momentous day are only beginning. we experienced conveyor belt sushi together for the first time at kulu kulu, which was wonderfully homey and had exquisitely weak green tea. ephemeral, and quite endearing. and then, after a quick detour to buy a book, we went to HAMILTON! what an experience with my most cherished person. i will never forget your stunning excitement, the incredible performance, how absolutely unhinged we were after we stumbled out of the theatre, and all the rest. we bought tiramisu from sainsbury’s, did a quick photoshoot in the rain, and ambled home to pack our things and get ready to move locations the next day. was this the day we ran through the rain together, down the dark sidewalk for any late night individuals to witness? i don’t think so, but it seems an appropriate time to mention how freeing that was. i felt extremely close to you in that moment, as if we had already been married for twenty years and were running from the authorities after a diamond heist or something. it’s times like those that convince me that we truly are soulmates (though of course i’ve hoped for that all along). am i your person, the way you’re completely mine?
the final day was the natural history museum, which we fumbled, and the v&a, which we succeeded at conquering. our final day was so bitter for me, though i tried to dodge the subject of “it’s our final day; this is it.” is that cruel of me? it’s so hard for me to acknowledge things like that. saying goodbye is so hard… but we had to.
pop the bubble to advance.
polish the jewel to return home.
